A friend has been trying to teach me fisticuffs but I don't seem to learn. I concentrate on countering the opponent's hands rather than pinning their elbows to their bodies to stop them. Hmm.

It's been a while since I last bought toys. On Sunday I got a Horror be@rbrick from the latest series 6, and I didn't realise it glows in the dark. It's only when I switched off the lights to go to bed that I noticed the ghostly curled up be@rbrick. lol.

I'll go back to bed now and pretend to sleep some more, and maybe somewhere along the line, I will.

Drank ice tea near midnight and didn't sleep a wink the whole night. Instead I just closed my eyes and laid in bed for 5+ hours, hoping I won't turn into a zombie today. Half a year has gone with nothing to show for it. Time to wipe the slate clean and start all over again.

Just past midnight in the middle of this year. I said you're the weirdest person I know and you said no! you know someone weirder, and whipped out your mobile phone to call him. I squeaked that you can't call at this hour, but you just laughed and pressed your mobile phone to my ear. I heard your friend's voice message: a fake indian accent imploring callers to leave their message. It was funny and we started giggling but hung up without leaving a word. And I thought you're never anything but spontaneous, and at that moment I envied you for that.

Still thinking about the line "lonely as the sound of lying on the ground of an airplane going down." I'm intrigued by how it'd really sound like: desperately helpless, sprawled on the floor with your ears pressed down, listening to the deafening whines of the plane engines while pressure builds up in your ears, breathing shallowly through your mouth which barely contains your galloping heart, blanking out words, having flashback upon flashback, waiting waiting waiting for the final note.

Music for the morbid.

According to Psychejam's definition of Anankastic Personality Disorder, it's

A void chaos
N ever spontaneous
A nxious
N ever break rules
K now everything - in details
A rchetypal perfectionists
S pend thriftily
T ake time over decisions
I nhibited emotionally
C heck things repeatedly

Is this really a disorder or a description of 50% of the population? lol.

A yuppie friend just told me he aspired to be a data entry clerk and I totally understood what he meant. We long to sleep and wake up amnesiacs, discarding our identities and jobs. We want to be zeroes.

Life is routine. Work and music; work and reading; work and films; work and friends. Though I know I should count my blessings, work is still getting me down.

A conversation about poetry. You were trying to illustrate the difference between the poetry of Emily Dickinson and that of the beatnik poets, and decided to use a Russian short story as an example.
You said: a man was on trial in Heaven by a panel of 4 Judges.
I interrupted: which 4 Judges?
You replied: that's not important, listen, God wasn't one of the Judges, He was a witness.
I asked: for what crime?
You went: for robbing an old woman of all the money she's got.
And I kept quiet to listen.
You continued: and God bore witness that the accused was not unkind.. he cried over losing a little red top when he was 12 years old. End of story.
I looked quizzically at you and you explained that when one's so high up, everything seems to have the same significance: robbing an old woman and crying over a lost toy. The beatnik poets write the same way, rendering everything equal and hence not crafting poetry like Emily Dickinson.

he has left us alone but shafts of light sometimes grace the corners of our rooms.
An album title to fall in love with.

In an interview with Word magazine, Bjork commented that "she has a game she has played since 9/11. She stands in Manhattan, rotates 360 degrees, and counts the number of US flags she can see, stopping at 27. She's never failed, no matter where she is in the city."

Spent my time downloading live music by Godspeed You! Black Emperor. Long lovely songs that are at least 20Mb. So far I've only downloaded the tracks named after people, like John Hughes (the director), Gorecki (not a cover of Lamb's drum & bass track but no doubt a tribute to the Polish composer too) and Tazer Floyd. Electronic music isn't difficult music to love, especially if it is as "lonely as the sound of lying on the ground of an airplane going down". Like someone once said: no difficult loves, just difficult people.

Collapsed. MC. Relieved. At the clinic, the nurse handed me the ear thermometer to take my own temperature. Unlike the attendant at my gym who kindly goes "How many times already?" while I try not to cringe at the approach of the ear thermometer, the nurse doesn't have the luxury of time. My doctor is almost unrecognisable in her garb of robe, mask and gloves.. she looked all set to operate on me. Looked at my previous medical records and realised it's been exactly 6 months since I last fell ill. Shouldn't I fall ill less what with all that running?

Unexpected. Came home and read other people's blogs, something I've not had time for recently. Stumbled upon a little line you wrote some time back about my love, "in a slightly manic and almost frightening way for bastardised music most other people leave lying on the shelf". I smiled, and hope life holds you in good stead too.

Bought Aphex Twin's double CD 26 Mixes for Cash. Runny nose and sore throat from the hot weather and all that talking yesterday with different friends, but still want to run today. If everyone runs, this world may be a much better place.

Sometimes I can't believe what we say to our customers. "Tell me your pains, I want to feel it" sounds positively corny and lewd, but everyone seems to buy it.

I unintentionally ran 8km today. It's just Friday night at the gym with a girlfriend, and I was approaching 6km without any grief. So I thought why not make it a prime number and run 7km? When I hit 7km, I remembered that the longest I've seen anyone run in my gym was this guy who ran 7.5km and surely I could match that? And when I hit 7.5km, I wanted to do better and before I knew it, I ran 8km. In fact, I think tonight I could have run forever.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
- Voltaire

"Your wings flutter and hide. You are perched on live wires, and insist on staying there. Your peck betrays you."
- what you wrote about me

What transpired today.
It doesn't matter that I just ran yesterday cos today I still crave to.
It's been way too long since I last ate my glucosamine sulphate capsules and I don't think I'm about to start.
Attended a meeting where I was the lone female and the guys started making bawdy jokes, but thought better and toned down for my benefit. They needn't have bothered though.
In a car where I was the lone female and the guys started complaining about bad women drivers. When I asked about bad men drivers, the guys joked that these are probably gay drivers and you could tell by the way their cars swerve. lol.
I'm currently reading Nicholson Baker's A Box of Matches.. it's about the thoughts of a guy who wakes up every morning at 4+ am to be by himself. Obsessively funny.

If I keep asking leslie where he is right this instant, sooner or later I'll know the states of America by heart.

When was the last time you did something for the first time? Yesterday. That and something I hadn't done for a long time. And now I'm online wide awake at nearly 4am, discussing with leslie if I had consumed caffeine while he's trying to steal internet access from goodness knows where. Mind's too blank to blog and it's only midweek.

Today on the way from my customer's to my own office, the cab driver asked if I go to church. I replied no and waited curiously for his response. This isn't the first time cab drivers have spoken to me on religion, but everyone seems to have their own favourite topic.

This cab driver strangely, is focused on adultery. By reciting recent incidents where adulterous couples have been punished, he illustrated that we have to be faithful to our partner cos God is presiding over our lives. I nodded at the appropriate pauses so he could carry on. He knew I wouldn't be converting my faith in the backseat of his cab, and I knew he needed to know he tried. At the end of the journey, he handed me a pamphlet entitled What is your Life?. And the answer is: "You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." (James 4:14)

Ah.

Most perfect moment today was when I was standing at a CD sampling booth at Borders while the late afternoon sun streamed in. It was so bright I had to half close my eyes and even then, I could see little circles of coloured spectrum dancing on the fringe of my eyelashes. Wondered idly if this is as close as I get to the light-through-stained-church-glass-window effect. I held a copy of Yo La Tengo's latest album in my hand while sampling it, and I remember the track's called Don't have to be so Sad. Somehow the song wasn't cut off after the first minute or so, and I just stood there smiling faintly to myself as I heard the whole song from start to end.

What we cannot change, we should at least describe.
- Rainer Werner Fassbinder

If it's not fun, don't do it.
If you have to do it, make it fun.

omg. Another Friday the 13th.

101 things I should have blogged but was too lazy to till nearly 2am on a Friday morning. It figures.
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Nowadays they check my temperature at the gym and I simply hate it. I have this stupid paranoid fear they'd plunge the ear thermometer deep in and pierce my eardrum, and I'd never hear music again. My instinct is to hold my breath, squeeze my eyes shut tightly and wait all tensed till it's over. Finally an attendant taking my temperature told me he never saw anyone react like this. Really? How could everyone else trust strangers with their ears?
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Watched a movie on the italian opera Tosca, interspersed with footages of the orchestra and choir performing the soundtrack. Watched it not cos it's a classic, but cos of a band called Tosca. Strangely, my favourite scene is a black and white grainy shot of a small choir boy, crooked teeth and braces, saucer-big eyes and jug ears, singing a 2 minute segment of a non-essential shepherd boy. I'm surprised he even appeared as his scene was so superfluous, but to me he made up for everything else.
+
The Russian animation screening reminded me of a joke where a man got stabbed fatally and would die if he attempted to remove the knife from his heart. When asked if it hurt, he said "Only if I laugh".
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A friend teasingly called me a Portuguese Jackrabbit recently and on the same day, I bought the latest Radiohead album. On it there's a song titled Myxomatosis, which turned out to be a disease for European rabbits. I was tickled by the coincidence and told him so. He replied he doesn't believe in coincidence, only in people.
+
When asked about my job, now I only reply that I'm a Zhong Dian Nu Yong (hourly maid), or what my friends term a Maria. It does make sense since I clean up after people and charge by the hour, so let's call a spade a spade.
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A girl not old enough to watch R(A) movies (and didn't dare try) told me she felt old, cos she didn't hear old music on the radio anymore. When I asked what she considered old music, she replied Take That. And then I really felt old.

Indulgence is
skipping gym to come home
switching off my mobile
going online (but disabling ICQ)
downloading mp3s (discovered Emperor Penguin for the first time)
watching short films (Bill Plympton's animations still)
reading The Pooh Dictionary (cos little bears tell the strangest truths)
sleeping early (hopefully).

Strangest or bravest thing I heard yesterday, I can't tell which. A girl had 7 near-drowning experiences and decided to take up scuba-diving to overcome her fear.

People say to me: "don’t have a go at Morrissey, he helped me get through my depression". No he didn’t! YOU helped HIM get through HIS depression!
- Jerry Sadowitz

The Smiths. In My Life.

Read a news article on music lovers "according to new research":
Fans of blues, jazz, classical and folk music are likely to be intelligent, tolerant and politically liberal, researchers report in the June issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Country and religious music fans tend to be cheerful, outgoing, reliable and conventional, while alternative and heavy metal music lovers tend to be physically active, curious risk-takers.
As for rap/ hip-hop and dance music fans? They are often outgoing, agreeable people who generally eschew conservative ideals.

Eh. So what do psychopaths listen to? And do people who listen across music genres have personality disorders?

Couldn't publish for a while cos of changes Blogger was making. Actually I don't think it's over for me cos I'm still seeing the old Blogger editor. Lost track of what I wanted to blog but that's ok.

Finished reading Dave Eggers' You Shall Know Our Velocity, the 19th book I've read this year.
Still haven't bought the latest Radiohead CD.
Been watching lots of short films on AtomFilms after being disappointed with the crop of local ones I've seen recently. Now I'm watching Bill Plympton's animation shorts. I remember catching his animation shorts in one of the Film Fests, witty and beautiful.
My jc girlfriend said we're all living our lives like in the movie Groundhog Day, repeating the same activities again and again. I thought whimsically that in this case, if we were a music band, we would be Arrested Development.

Music was invented to confirm human loneliness.
- Lawrence Durrell

Yesterday while flossing my teeth from a late night out, mum asked nonchalantly if I wanted to see something. When I said ok, she whipped out this beautifully preserved, enlarged black & white print of her whole family. A shot of 30 people, some long deceased, taken more than 30 years ago. In front of the family house in Malaysia that burnt down recently though no one got hurt. When mum took dad home to meet the family before they tied the knot. Where my older cousins were just tiny toddlers. Which I've NEVER seen before. My mum, unbelievable right?

Anyway, I gushed over the pic and asked her if negatives existed (though I didn't think so and was proven right). So I grabbed my digicam and mum and I experimented with different shots to preserve the pic in soft copy. (I don't own a scanner, 'fess up if you do!) Managed to get a reasonable shot but there's a soft reflective halo in it. Now this is my wallpaper. :)

Stood and watched an entire movie from the back of a cinema just now. Somehow the screen seemed bigger, and the backview of all those seated before me became an animated border of sorts integral to the film. My feet didn't really hurt despite having had my usual 6km run just before the show. Oh well they did, just that it didn't matter.

Before I knew I've got high cholestrol, I'd never have imagined ordering salad for meals. Now though, I've been experimenting with the different salads available at my favourite cafe. Today I ended up ordering rocket salad which consists of a bitter vegetable called arugula, both of which I didn't know existed. Cheap thrill, lol. It's good to have a girlfriend to skip gym and hang out with, so thanks dear. :)

Today I used a new analogy to describe 3-way matching of a Purchase Order, Goods Receipt and Invoice Receipt to my best friend. Let's say we have a Purchase Order for 5 apples and 5 oranges. 5 apples were delivered, and an invoice was sent for 5 oranges. In this case, there's a partial match between Purchase Order and Goods Receipt (5 apples); and a partial match between Purchase Order and Invoice Receipt (5 oranges). However, there's no match between Goods Receipt and Invoice Receipt so 3-way matching has failed.

The moral of the story is: you don't pay for oranges when you get apples.

Desperately seeking.. We met early morning of 2 June: me unconscious, you elusive. While your siblings have revealed themselves, you were the mysterious middle child who refused to answer when my memory summoned. Were you an accident which belonged in someone else's slumber? If not, what secrets do you hide? If you should appear, would I finally have the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything? Would we meet again?

For 3 nights in a row I dreamt of impossible things.

The first night I dreamt Depeche Mode came down to a local campus to perform a 4 hour set. I dreamt I was studying there and saw them finally, having skipped their one and only concert here previously due to exams. I knew I was dreaming cos I was content to wander away from their set to attend classes inbetween (who would?!) and there were escalators in school like those in malls.

The last night I dreamt I had a huge tattoo done spanning my right shoulder to wrist. In technicolour details, the tattoo is of a mystical chinese creature (scaly and fierce, not a dragon or a phoenix) whose name escapes me now. It seemed to belong on someone else's arm bigger than mine. I remembered wondering how I could explain about this tattoo at work, and then I woke.

The dream on the second night eludes me still, but I know it's not one of those forever running dreams. That I do in reality.

He wanted to find true love but got a 404.
A new use for the "missing webpage" error message number.

Lesson learnt from NYDC session with the guys (b12 and Yoyo to be precise):
- Cakes which would last women 2 hours could only last men 20 minutes max.
- Teens magazine is amazing garbage. From articles defining "What fruit are you?" to the penpal column (where teens would actually list their addresses openly and in some cases, their mobile numbers too), it seemed like a picture book for grown-up children. Any kid of mine caught reading this would be instantly disowned.
- Everybody else at NYDC seemed to be a teen.

Will leave NYDC for the girls next time. :)

Was there no safety? No learning by heart of the ways of the world? No guide, no shelter, but all was miracle and leaping from the pinnacle of a tower into the air?
- Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse

b12 introduced me to my first foot reflexology treatment yesterday, and I realise I have a low threshold for pain. You know, when they say every pressure point on our feet is linked to a vital body part? Well, I yelped at nearly everything and tears brimmed involuntarily in my eyes. While massaging, the masseur deduced accurately that I don't drink enough water, don't sleep enough, have too dry skin, wear heels too often, am often tense and exercise frequently. I wanted to ask if she could tell I have high cholestrol from my feet but decided not to.

I have to be kinder to my vessel.