Bought 4D numbers based on my last day of work and only a permutation of the numbers came out as consolation prize. In other words, I got zilch. Oh well. At least I've found an exciting solution for my work problem within a month (and I didn't need to take a trip to go find myself too). I'm now reading a book on reengineering the corporation and so far, I've read more books this month than I've watched films. So far so good.

By leaving my current job, I feel like I've let my team down. Most of them have been hired by me and I wonder if they had joined based on their expectations of me. There is even one who has quit but rejoined my current company because I asked him to. They understand why I'm going though, and they wish they can do the same. Some jokingly asked if I can bring them along. I miss them already.

Future wardrobe crisis. My new workplace has no dress code whatsoever, and after all these years of corporate life, I've amassed heaps of formal clothing. They joked that they could start a Dress Up Day so I could wear executive clothing one day each week. Oh, and I also lose out doodling during meetings cos everyone else draws better.

What happened today:
Nobody (understandably) wants to replace me at work. I don't know if one will appear by the time I leave.

I travelled from my current workplace to my new one, so I could help out before I joined them officially. I realise that despite my long hours at my current job, it's going to be much longer hours at my new job just because everything is not in place. It's still fun, but I wonder if I'll burn out at this rate. And there was an instant where I started questioning if it's worth it.

In a discussion today, someone was explaining an issue at length while I tuned off. Then I realised he has a deep baritone voice, very soothing like a drivetime DJ. It was nice just to sit quietly and listen at the end of a long day.

I'm going to take a significant pay cut to work in a new industry, but it's something I love and my new boss has integrity. I probably won't have time to blog much and will be too happy to do so anyway.

This will be an interesting year. Go do something you've always wanted to do.

Was waylaid by well-meaning colleagues separately on my way to resign, but 1.5 hours later, the deed is done. Happy is too weak a description for my current state of mind.

My heart tells me I'm doing the right thing but still I can't sleep properly the past few days. It's never easy to leave one's safety zone.

Failure's hard, but success is far more dangerous. If you're successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever. It is so, so much harder to leave a good thing.
- Po Bronson, What Should I do with my Life?

Sundance Online Film Festival, link courtesy of my bro. :)

What I've found out after attending guerilla-style film class over the weekend: I'm not ready to produce my own film. Aren't you glad? Goodness knows what kind of film I may have inflicted on the general public. lol.

It seems like I've been on a steep learning curve since the start of the year, and I'm not inclined to blog about any of it. I just want to live and learn everyday. I realise I'm still remarkably curious, and I'm glad.

I'm starting to be kinder to myself, even if that sounds odd. I know I don't want to be a high-flyer, and I've never wanted to be one. I know I don't buy the idea that work is a sideline to fund my off-work hours. I want to love what I do, and what I'm doing now doesn't have any place in my heart.

And I've made myself my first music compilation CD. I don't know if you've ever made one for yourself, but it's not as easy as it sounds. You have to select songs from all over the place which somehow fit together, and bear repeat listening. Maybe you'll have a private joke about why certain songs are chosen, and you'll grin to yourself whenever they get played. You'll be amazed at how contented you feel when this compilation is done. How complete. I've only had compilation CDs made for me before, but I've never made one for myself. Till now.

Today I went to sample CDs at Gramophone cos strangely, there are no copies of Kind of Blue (one of Miles Davis' best works) at Borders. I found a limited french pressing of this album, and brought that and Brian Wilson's Smile over to the sales assistant. He put Kind of Blue on and well, those who've heard it before may realise that Miles Davis' trumpet only kicks in after 50 seconds into the first song. In the meanwhile, some other patrons started lining up after me to sample music, so I told the sales assistant it's ok to stop cos I would buy the album anyway. But he smiled back earnestly and said, "Wait, the music gets better." So we hung on to listen to Miles, and that was nice cos I knew he didn't have to.

In his book titled Simplicity, Edward de Bono explained that life is getting more complex as products and processes get more complicated. It's true that most people treat simplicity as a second-rate value. They wish for an effective solution and preferably a cheap one, but simplicity is more likely than not unwisely put aside in the wake of achieving these goals. But in math circles, an elegant derivation is often the simplest one. Perhaps it's time to think simple.

Here's his 10 rules for Simplicity:
1. You need to put a very high value on simplicity.
2. You must be determined to seek simplicity.
3. You need to understand the matter very well.
4. You need to design alternatives and possibilities.
5. You need to challenge and discard existing elements.
6. You need to be prepared to start over again.
7. You need to use concepts.
8. You may need to break things down into smaller units.
9. You need to be prepared to trade off other values for simplicity.
10.You need to know for whose sake the simplicity is being designed.

Surprisingly, the first 3 books I've finished reading this year are all business-related. I finished one over 2 days (Guy Kawasaki's "Rules for Revolutionaries") and another over 4 years (I took so long I've discovered that the entire text of "Cluetrain Manifesto" is now available online).

And I realised that I've made a mistake in thinking I've already read Terry Pratchett's "Night Watch", so that gives me one extra Terry Pratchett novel to read. Cheap thrill but still.

Oh yeah. Thanks to my jc girlfriend, I'm now enlightened to what the 'taupok' game is that was complained about by the parent on the forum. It seems that jc boys will be triggered by the word 'taupok' to pile onto some hapless chap. Eh. So is the jc girls' equivalent called 'tau foo', with the girls all coming up close to hug one another as tightly as possible? lol.

To see far is one thing, going there is another.
- Constantin Brancusi, sculptor

I've made a new year's resolution for 2005 and it has nothing to do with my career crisis actually. It's a bit embarrassing, but I plan to solve the Rubik's Cube.

I remembered playing with the Rubik's Cube when I was young, and never solving more than 1 complete face. As time passed by, I forgot all about it till I saw a friend playing with his cube recently and solving it repeatedly in minutes. Upon interrogation, he mentioned that he was practising one of the algorithms he lifted off the web. I thought oh, pattern recognition! and suddenly I was hooked. I couldn't find my old Rubik's Cube but was promised one from this same friend, so I'm bidding my time till he passes it to me and I can try on it.

Hmm. I wonder how many of the kids nowadays know what a Rubik's Cube is.

I was accused by a baker of lacking human decency cos
a) I was too busy to answer and return calls
b) I addressed him in the 'cc' rather than 'to' of an email, which made him think he was an after-thought

But whatever guilt he could've induced in me (yes I'm a softie) vanished when he told me I treated him like a delivery boy.
"How?" I asked.
"You emailed me to do something without even saying please," he replied.

And I got up immediately to walk him to my terminal to check that responsible email. Not only did I write "please", I wrote "thanks" too.

Moral of the story: You have to be careful not to accuse people of characteristics not inherent in them. I never not thank people.

I didn't sleep the whole night cos I was still upset. Is this what work is supposed to do to you?

I'm tired. Very tired. I'm going to take care of my state of mind and health first, and everything and everyone else can wait. I'm not dismissing or ignoring people but this one's for me ok?

Thank you.

Expect the unexpected:
Like your friends hijacking your blog comments to debate over audio equipment (none of which you understood of course).

Like bakers you didn't bother about feeling so offended at what you supposedly did to ignore/ disrespect them, that they would pull you from urgent work to give you a piece of their mind. You know what, small-minded petty men can go to hell. Don't tell me I have no human decency.

Like no matter how upbeat you are, you can break down. And you know you are staying on course to quit cos you've reached a point where nothing can redeem the meaning of your work to you anymore.

At the end, when logic fails, emotions can carry you a long way.
- a sms from my best friend, on how I operate

So many things I should be doing right now, but I'm here online, blogging about your dog bolster.

You didn't understand how I could sleep without hugging a bolster. It amazed you that I slept like I belonged in an open casket: on my back and with my hands clasped gently over my heart. So you gave me a bolster, all fire-engine red and dog shaped, wrapped in your favourite T-shirt. You emptied your cologne all over that T-shirt so it smelled like you.

When you fell to earth, I packed away everything from you except that dog bolster. It just couldn't fit into any container, so it rested on the far edge of my bed against the wall, out of reach for the longest time. And I carried on sleeping like the dead.

Last night I woke up with a start, and unconsciously tugged your bolster over so I could cuddle up with it. It was an uphill task. Depending on which direction I hugged, I either suffocated on the dog's head or got jabbed by its stumpy legs. The bolster was difficult, just as you were.

And it no longer smelled like you.

What I need is an epiphany now.

Today. Watched Wim Wender's Faraway, So Close. Rock climbed with the girls. Ate prata for both lunch and dinner (yes, nutrition value zero). Got locked out of my home for 1.5 hours cos mum went out spur of the moment and I had no keys. Been talking to people and reading. Started a private blog to sort out thought processes on career - suspect I will be spending more time there formulating plans. Thanks to those who're giving me ideas. I'll try to be prudent and plan as much as my tolerance will last.

Oh yeah, and I learnt a line from a movie. A cheesy romantic comedy called Down to You starring Julia Stiles and Freddie Prinze, Jr. actually. What really matters is that in it, a character utters this line: "It's not the meaning of life. It's the feeling of life."

I correct myself. Time to go visit the dogs AND feel life.

Today I snapped. I was in a meeting with people who've taken my work for granted, and saw more shit lined up for me. I realised then that I've had no time to read the newspapers or eat breakfast for 2 consecutive days; that I would still be the first and last person in the office everyday; that I absolutely hate mindless administrative work; and I have to save myself. I want to talk to people. I want to make mind maps. I want to take risks. I want to make waves.

And I wandered over to EMJEM and saw this excerpt from George Orwell: "And there is another feeling that is a great consolation in poverty. I believe everyone who has been hard up has experienced it. It is a feeling of relief, almost of pleasure, at knowing yourself at last genuinely down and out. You have talked so often of going to the dogs - and well, here are the dogs, and you have reached them, and you can stand it. It takes off a lot of anxiety."

It's time to go visit the dogs.

Baking analogy at work today: Not every baker can bake wedding cakes.
I have bakers who are incapable of baking wedding cakes because they are just not sharp enough to pick up the skills. They get upset at baking the run-of-the-mill cakes all the time and slack off, while dreaming about baking the big one. The rest will then have to help with baking the normal cakes they're slacking on, and in turn get pissed off too.

The strangest line I uttered today is: "Our customer's sexual orientation is not our business."

But really, sometimes I feel like a mama-san directing the girls to different clients to sing, dance and be merry ('cept nobody is). Then an irate customer will phone and we'll have a mind-boggling conversation.

Customer: "I'm not happy with who you sent me!"
Me: "What's wrong? You wanted someone who can sing and dance."
Customer: "Yes, you sent me someone who can sing and dance."
Pause.
Customer: "But you sent me a boy."

Take me away from here.

Today.
I've been flooded with work calls every few minutes that I felt like a born-again receptionist. The only difference is I couldn't forward the calls to someone else and get rid of them.

I wore my new black velvet heels to work and ran so much in them they should have fully depreciated their value by end of today. Yes I don't have any dignity when I'm busy.

I really need to run.

What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it.
- J.D. Salinger

This is how I feel about some blogs.

Time has no divisions to mark its passage, there is never a thunderstorm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year. Even when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols.
- Thomas Mann, novelist, Nobel laureate (1875-1955)

For b12, who doesn't ring bells or fire off pistols.

I was discussing with someone and he brought up the fact that while the tsunami issue has been escalated, there are other humanitarian issues that have been largely ignored by the public. Like the ethnic cleansing in Western Sudan. He asked: who decides whose lives are more important?

I guess whenever humanity is destroyed at the hands of other men, politics comes into play. People like to adopt the ostrich mentality and bury their heads in the sand. Interference brings problems and possible retaliation, but a tsunami on the other hand, is an act of God. An act of God unites humanity to protect its own.

It may be hypocritical to have double standards but I feel this doesn't mean that the tsunami victims shouldn't be given as much help as they can get. It just means we need to be more aware and proactive to what else is going on.

Went rock climbing with the girls again today. Legs still trembled while scaling the wall. Climbed up a more difficult wall but still trailed behind the rest. But I improved. One step at a time.

A more comprehensive guide to volunteering and donating for the tsunami crisis by the National Volunteer & Philanthropy Centre.

Whatever you've done to help, you can still do more.