The first time you said you loved me you didn't tell it to me. Instead you turned to the friend next to me and said, "You know, I love her because.." and you went on to explain why. I don't remember what you said exactly cos the friend and I were gaping at your usage of the word "love". And then you saw our looks and realised what you had said. So you went on smoothly like nothing happened, and the next time you took care to use the word "like".

You and I, we had such bad timing.

Some customers called me from China on my last day of work to bid me farewell. They passed the phone receiver back and forth between them as they took turns to talk to me. I even remember the birthday of one of them. I didn't cry then.

A colleague voluntarily walked 10 minutes over to my office building to accompany me on a walk back to his building. He talked about the time I was offsite at a customer's alone on a project, and he had promised to come visit me for lunch. I was there for nearly 8 months and he never came. He told me this time he would come visit me at my new company for lunch. He looked so sad it felt like his last day instead. I didn't cry then.

The colleague I handed over to hugged me at the end of the day. We've never hugged all these years but when I said goodbye and meant to shake his hand, he hugged me instead. He will inherit my world of worries and he doesn't deserve it. I didn't cry then.

I met up with the girls and somehow drinks ended up at the pub opposite my company, or should I say my ex-company. I've never come here to drink all this time though it was so close and I didn't expect to end my night here.

And then the tears came.

The revolution of the crabs. Cute french monochrome animation but where are the subtitles?!

Music by the Fatales reminds me of Radiohead. It makes me smile.

Can't change the colour of the fonts in my comments unless I switch comment software but nah. Since I hardly blog nowadays, it seems too much trouble. :) I haven't had time to read other people's blogs so I hope you all are doing fine.

What a glorious year it's going to be don't you think?

Was it on our 3rd Valentine's Day together, when you still gave me roses (which wasn't my flower of choice, or anything that takes more imagination than money really) that I realised that you didn't know what I liked? I knew what you liked, but I was always a black box to you.

When a plane crashes, people will find the lone black box recorder which survives and play the last recorded message repeatedly to try to find out what has happened. But we had radio silence until we flew into the hills.

Hi. This is me. I'm happy, but suddenly I thought of you.

As I stood before the gates I realized that I never want to be as certain about anything as were the people who built this place.
- Rabbi Sheila Peltz, on her visit to Auschwitz

It looks so hot outside I'm likely to self-combust, but I think about the chance to listen to my latest compilation CD while running. No competition at all. Running beckons.

My brother bought me Edward Yourdon's Deathmarch to read so I can try to avoid similar issues at my new place if they surface. I know Anarchy is reading this book too, but which of us will finish first?

We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are.
- Anais Nin

I've made myself yet another compilation CD. The song sequence is simply by alphabetical order of the song titles.

I realise:
a) a random order works well for me by pairing unlikely songs one after another
b) I really like the group Octopus Project cos their songs take up about 20% of the list
c) I will holler "My love is bigger than your love, SING IT!" in time to McLusky's "To Hell with Good Intentions" everytime it gets played
d) I like every song to the extent I can put each on auto-repeat ad nauseum
e) I don't know what the rest of the world is listening to, and frankly I don't care
f) I'm too interested in the going-on's in life to blog much, and that's a good thing

Anyway, here's the list:
1. Up Up Down Down - Come Away
2. Franz Ferdinand - Darts of Pleasure
3. S - Falling
4. Random - Falling through the Clouds
5. Mellowdrone - Fashionably Uninvited
6. Carolee - I Heard You with Unmistakable Clarity
7. South - Loosen Your Hold
8. Drop the Fear - Memory
9. Octopus Project - Music is Happiness
10. PS - Pylons
11. Laptop - Ratso Rizzo
12. Octopus Project - Righteous Ape & Bird
13. Deerhoof - Sealed with a Kiss
14. PS - Spelling
15. Experimental Aircraft - Symphony
16. Octopus Project - The Adjustor
17. Windsor for the Derby - The Egg
18. Octopus Project - The Way Things Go
19. McLusky - To Hell with Good Intentions

Cute animated bunny singing that everyone else has had more sex than him. Hilarious.

Yesterday, a colleague commented that it's been a while since he's seen a quirky smile on my face but it's back. I guess this means I've made peace.

Just as I knew I would, I woke up this morning and scrambled the Rubik's cube so I could try again.

I just solved the Rubik's cube and I'm still not sure what I did!!! What if I don't ever do it again?!! Can I do it without reading the recommended steps?! This year's New Year's resolution has just been achieved! OMG! Now I can finally go to sleep! :D

Me: My heart feels like a toothpaste tube being squeezed and squeezed but nothing comes out.
Dave: Grow a cactus.

During lunch with an ex-schoolmate, we talked about other peers who have inexplicably died in just their 20s. One of them was a guy from my class, and my deepest memory of him was his tatty canvas pencil case. It was scribbled all over with graffiti, and one day I asked him why he was using such an abused pencil case. He smiled and said his girlfriend scribbled words and sketches all over it when she was once bored.

All these years later, all I could remember was his sentimentality.

What's sadder than not having a Christmas tree in the office is having a Christmas tree that has outstayed its welcome. It's now beginning February and no one has any time or mood to dismantle the Christmas tree. The fake presents are still under it, and exude an artificial cheeriness we can't feel.

Guerilla blog post #155:
Yesterday a cab driver picked me up from my customer's back to my office, and mentioned that his wife just gave birth the day before. I congratulated him, and it was nice to be 2 contented people in a cruising vehicle.

The Rubik's Cube has finally arrived in my hands. Can't wait to try it out!

I'm now reading a book on management of the absurd. One section in it mentioned that we learn more from our successes than our failures, and we learn from the failures of others. It explained that when the factors are right for us to succeed, we're spurred on beyond our limit to do better. And when we fail, we get demoralised and don't test our boundaries as much. Still mulling over it.

On proximity to the powerful and famous. I told Dave I'm 6 levels away from my company's global head and he replied that once he was a few steps away from Nelson Mandela at the Olympics in Barcelona. lol. It's amusing what weird connections you can dig up if you think about it.

During the pajamas party over the last weekend, the girls decided that I was more likely to become a Christian than a lesbian (my JC girlfriend declared that I like men too much).

Yesterday I learnt during rock climbing that, though my UK travelmate is slightly shorter than I, she has longer arms.

I've settled down from the euphoria of quitting and my workload seemed suddenly lesser. I wasn't passed tasks I couldn't follow up on, but I don't think the damage control efforts that were put in place was enough. Still, it's time to let go.

Oh, and welcome home for the break, leslie. :)